Sexual predators.
In the music scene, religious organizations, ordinary places of business, institutions of higher learning. All. Complicit.
At this moment I am nauseous. And proud. Sickened by the stories coming out. Proud of those breaking their silence. Lately my feed has been full of girls and women coming forward with horrifying stories of abuse, manipulation, misogyny, assault, the list goes on. And there seems to be no end in site.
Let me start by saying this; I believe you. A million times over. I believe you.
This cancer has gone unchecked for far too long. And by people we should be able to trust. Producers, managers, DJ’s, priests, pastors, bosses, teachers, professors, Bob in accounting. Yeah. You are probably already thinking of one you have heard of or know personally.
Ladies. If a guy touches you in any way you did not verbally consent to, if he asks you to keep the things he says or does a secret, if he makes you uncomfortable with comments about your physical appearance….it’s not okay. I feel like many of you need to hear that. You have permission to say no, speak up, even report it to the police. Particularly if you have reported the behavior to your church, your place of work, etc…, with no action taken. If you find no recourse even with law enforcement, there are plenty of organizations that will step in and advocate for you.
If you have been waiting for a sign that you should speak up, say something. Consider this it. If you have been waiting for permission to ask for help. You officially have it.
You have the right to speak your truth. You have the right to make waves. You have the right to make a big deal out of it. You are not the problem.
If your tattoo artist places your hand in a compromising position on his lap. Not okay.
If your married youth pastor tells you you are beautiful and could see himself with you. Not okay.
If your boss ignores your complaint about an employee making lewd comments or inappropriate touching. Not okay.
If your producer leans in too close or asks you to spend extra time in the studio but not for work. Not okay.
To those of you reading this who have been guilty of this type of behavior to any degree. Get right. Your days are numbered. We are coming for you.
For the rest of you. Silence is complicity. If you hear the rumor, even just a rumor, and you do nothing, uh oh: You are complicit. We are all accountable for the communities we live and work in. Because we are all connected. Because when everyone assumes someone else will do something, say something, be responsible, we run the risk of no one doing anything. And far too often that is what happens. Nothing.
The message that our inaction sends to the victims is simple: Your pain does not matter.
I’m not sure what it is about this type of abuse that makes people so uncomfortable that they would rather not discuss it even if it means the victims go unaided. And the offenders are allowed to continue their abusive behavior. We expect more from Kindergarteners. I would know. I have two 7 year olds.
It is actually possible to continue caring about someone who has done something terrible and hold them accountable at the same time. No one is asking you to fix the situation. But do your part. If you hear or see something, address it. Ask the difficult questions. Be willing to get uncomfortable. Turn people in if necessary. Confrontation is not your enemy when it comes to abuse and assault.
I will be the first to admit that I used to wonder what the “real story” was when I would hear about this or that person in a sketchy situation. Which is ironic considering the fact that I am a sexual assault survivor (That One Time A Naked Guy In A Mask Tried To Rape Me). But it’s this skepticism on the part of the public that keeps victims from coming forward and disclosing or reporting what has happened to them. In fact, most don’t even realize that what has happened to them is a crime because it has become so prevalent, so accepted.
We have to do better.
In my writing and my work with abuse victims, I have found an uncomfortable pattern to how these predators work. They know how to pick their victims. In many cases they find someone who has already suffered a trauma. Someone who is emotionally or physically compromised. Unstable. Because should it come out or they get caught, it is easier to discredit the victim by gaslighting the situation and pointing out their other issues. The victim is considered unreliable because of things that should be completely irrelevant.
These a—holes lay the groundwork of building trust. Knowing full well their intentions are nefarious. Eventually they get their prey into a questionable situation and then pounce. Ply them with alcohol. Give them secret phones. Promise them things they have zero intention of following through on. Leaving a spouse, etc… And the victims are often left believing that somehow they are responsible. The shame is debilitating to the degree they internalize or ignore it. And this denial inevitably leads to poor life choices that steal any chance they had at joy. Addiction and self loathing, to name a few.
And if and when a victim does finally gain the courage to report what has happened to an appropriate person, so often the issue is shelved. They are told not to make a big deal of it. Or they tell the victims it will be pursued while nothing substantial is done. Smoke and mirrors, people. 6 months or a year pass and nothing. Victims are left with the responsibility of pursuing justice and accountability themselves. Which most are incapable of doing because they are so deep into survival mode from the crime itself. It’s unconscionable.
I have assisted multiple women over the years that have been traumatized by one of these situations. I have confronted parents, called police, sought restraining orders, missed work, tried to be of whatever help I can to attain justice and healing for these innocent souls when no one else would. And I have suffered as a result. Even lost friends I genuinely loved and believed loved me. And I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
There is nothing that will cut you like listening to a young girl curled in the fetal position, still a child in many ways, sobbing night after night in the room next to yours. A deep wail that could crumble the walls of hell. Fighting to break out of an unspeakably inappropriate and abusive relationship.
I happen to believe in Jesus. Part of that responsibility, which I take highly seriously, is looking out for the marginalized, going after the lost sheep, loving my neighbor as myself. My black neighbor. My female neighbor. My LGBTQ neighbor. My underage neighbor. My mentally ill neighbor. And I have become admittedly jaded at times by the lack of a similar effort by people in several of my circles of work and life. People who should know and do better. But I can only be responsible for my actions at the end of the day.
Dear churches, do better.
Dear media, do better.
Dear employers, do better.
Dear law enforcement, do better.
Dear institutions of learning, do better.
Dear friends and family, do better.
I am asking you now. Please open your eyes. Your ears. Your hearts. There are people around you suffering in silence. Needlessly. You could easily be the turning point in their lives by just listening to them, or even better, helping them through their pain.
I will say that I am encouraged by the current shift in our culture regarding speaking out for those who have had their voices silenced. I think this growth is giving many people the strength to come out with their stories. And despite the obvious melody of pain, each new disclosure is like a beautiful note added to a greater symphony the world needs to hear.
I am a firm believer that the things that are rotten and toxic in this world can never die until they are dragged out into the light. So if you have ever had even the smallest inkling at any point in your life that you were abused or unfairly treated based on race, gender, sexual orientation, I am hear to say now is the time to speak. To your friends. Your family. Your church community. To your employers. To the people you trust. Even this site because this is a safe space. If you are not ready or able to post publicly then shoot me a message. I may not be able to walk you through it personally but I will certainly listen and point you in the direction of people, organizations or resources that can. And at the very least you have taken that courageous first step of taking that dark, rotten thing from inside you and set it down in front of someone else. You are not meant to carry this by yourself. Your pain, no matter how small or insignificant you think it might be, matters. And you are most definitely not alone.