I Got 99 Problems But TP Ain't One
It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago we were all so relieved to usher in 2020. To leave the dumpster fire that was 2019 in the past. Fast forward a few months and it’s Covageddon.
Here is what I’ve learned in the last few weeks. Americans have a solid lead in the panic portion of a global pandemic. If it coughs, spray it in the face. Directly. Don’t avoid the eyeballs or the mouth hole. Just spray like your life depends on it.
If it touches anything, wipe it down 12 times with a full jug of industrial strength antibacterial toxic death spray. Fear not the chemicals that will likely be ingested during this time of viral uncertainty. But you won’t mind because you are now high off the chemicals.
And if you find yourself questioning your face mask and disposable plastic gloves, a worse case scenario situation, there’s always a biohazard suit. Nothing in. Nothing out. You too can become a mobilized area of self quarantine. Why should the professionals get to have all the fun?
If you can’t get your hands on one of those suits I highly recommend plastic bags. We all know that in every home there is a place where plastic bags go to die. A single plastic bag filled with 128 other plastic bags. That you never thought you’d use. Well, now is the time for those bags to shine. It’s arts and crafts time people.
I just saw a woman on the news who legitimately had plastic bags all over her body. Her entire body. She gets all the points for creativity. I’m not sure about the score on effectiveness. The one on her left foot was falling off. That seems problematic. But nothing a little masking tape can't take care of. If you use the plastic bag defense system you have to make sure there are no points of weakness.
It’s said that human beings can go three weeks without food and only three to four days without water. Oh but wait. What about toilet paper, professor pandemic? None of my science classes or documentaries on the end of the world addressed what happens when the toilet paper runs out.
I’ll tell you what. Panic. Full blown, all out, burn down Costco panic.
But I got ahead on this one. I ordered on line days ago. So I got 99 problems but TP ain’t one.
If you ever wondered what could possibly be worse than the maniacs that break a leg while trampling other human beings so they can get that two for one deal on a flat screen tv on Black Friday, it’s this. Now. The coronavirus. But instead of an iPhone for $25, folks are lining up around the block for 13 loaves of bread and two dozen cans of tuna. Obviously these people have never read the New Testament. Cause Jesus can not only make wine out of water, he’ll take your bread and fish and feed your whole block. Even the weird guy that never leaves his house.
Pro tip: There’s never been a better time to consider Christianity. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. If you don’t make it, at least you know you’re going to heaven. The DOW may be plummeting but you still have time to put all your stock in the Jesus.
If you haven’t stocked your home with toilet paper, paper towels, bleach/antibacterial sprays, hand sanitizer, and bottled water, I highly recommend prayer. It’s effective and costs way less than a travel size bottle of Purell right now. $2000 for a three pack or one of your kidney’s. You decide which one you need less.
We are quickly approaching all planes being grounded, cruise ships docked, closed schools, universities and churches, cancelled conferences of all sizes, concerts, sporting events, postponed weddings. The list will grow. And we will experience…
The day the world stood still.
Being the optimist that I obviously am, I find myself looking for the silver lining. I haven’t found it yet but I’ll let you know when I do. I have a feeling it will look something like a canister of Clorox wipes. And is it too much to hope that it might also be something to do with politicians being silenced?
All the introverts of the world are heaving a collective sigh of relief. Finally a valid reason not to leave the house without catching heat from everyone. Soon the hermit life will be trending.
We have finally reached the day where hoarders and doomsday preppers are at the top of the food chain. And they are NOT going to share their bounty. There’s no trickle down economics here. This is the day they have all been waiting for. Shame on the rest of us for not believing. This may be a last chopper out of ‘Nam scenario but these folks have been lined up since Small pox, Scarlett fever, Typhoid, Spanish flu, SARS, the bird flu, and Ebola were a problem.
So start building your bunker now. Only God knows how long it will be before people begin looting the local Home Depot to build their 30 foot fences and a tornado shelter just to be safe.
All laughs aside, I do see the difficulty this has presented for so many across the globe. Lost work. Lost income. Lost health care. Lost lives. So let’s do our best to show how beautiful humanity can actually be. Regardless of race, religion, political leanings. Right now we are all the same. We have an unheard of opportunity to just see each other as Humans. Equally deserving of unconditional love, life and help.
So instead of fear, now is a time for reaching out, not hiding within. Check on your relatives, particularly the older ones. Make sure they have what they need. Check on your children's friends. A lot of kids out there are living in shelters or going without right now. Step in. Lean in to the gap and be the help they need but won’t ask for. Check on your neighbors. Have a telephone chain. Be prepared to help out when there’s a need. Bring food. Give rides. Share prayers.
Fill the gap.
These are the stories I would love to start seeing on the news and social media. Like Fred Rogers once shared when asking his mother what to do when bad things happen, she said “Look for the helpers.” The people who step out and move toward the tragedy in full faith, just to do the right thing when others won’t or can’t.
Be the helper.