Hey everybody, I'll show you #mypinterestfail if you show me yours.
A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about how Instagram is a complete lie. Every picture is just a false interpretation of what we want the world to see. Recently I realized that Instagram has an ugly step sister. You’ve probably met her. And if you are anything like me you can’t live with or without her.
I just. can't. stop. drinking the Pinterest KoolAid, you guys. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem.
I have a problem.
Dear Pinterest, unless you plan to come to my house and magically improve everything while I am asleep, you are dismissed. Truly. Just a few things that are probably better for my mental health than Pinterest might include: skydiving without a parachute, making it through every episode of Caillou or Daniel Tiger without feeling homicidal, learning how to speak every language ever, swimming with sharks, running for office/any office, solving the problem of world hunger, inventing a functioning time machine. You get the picture.
I’ve discovered several far more appropriate names for this app of misery: A Honey Don’t List, The Land Of Impossible Home Improvements, How To Test The Strength Of Your Marriage, Three Easy Steps To Hating Yourself, The Art Of Burning Money, The Quickest Path To Foreclosure, Crafting Nightmares 101, How To Ruin Your Own Wedding/Shower/Party. I could go on.
This website/app reminds me of dancing. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a dancer. Think ballet. Not pole. I loved everything about it. I mean, I am still obsessed with the show So You Think You Can Dance. I shout at the judges and fire off critiques like I’m an expert that belongs on that panel. The reality? I refuse to go on any dance floor these days out of fear that folks might mistakenly assume I am having a seizure. Nope. Just trying to feel the groove with this awkward body and a complete lack of rhythm. I am Elaine from Seinfeld. But worse. So for everyone who has ever yelled at me for not joining them on the dance floor, your eyeballs are welcome. Believe me.
Do not believe the lie. Just because Doris from Pennsylvania can use a million doilies to wallpaper her cat room and make it look like Chip and Joanna Gaines moved in, does not mean that you can too. You will more likely end up with an ulcer, an unwanted membership to JoAnn Fabrics, a house full of angry felines, and a new therapist that costs roughly the price of what hiring a professional to come work on your home would have cost.
Here are some steps I believe lead us to our own demise when it comes to the perils of Pinterest.
Mistake One: Visit the site. Yes. It’s that simple. I believe this step is akin to trying heroin. Addicts call it chasing the dragon. Despite trying over and over again, you never experience the level you achieved during that first high. Just try it, they said. You will love it, they said. The first moment your hopeful eyes beheld the glory of all those magazine cover ready pics. So much possibility. So little time.
Not an effing clue.
Mistake Two: Download the app and start pinning. It feels like Christmas and your Birthday have had a litter of diy babies as you begin to create and organize your boards. Bathroom Ideas, Bedroom Ideas, Laundry Room Ideas, Kitchen Ideas, Gardening Ideas, Cooking Ideas, Crafting Ideas, and the all consuming Start A New Career In Upcycling Ideas. You are going to change the world one pin at a time. You are starry eyed and bushy tailed in your new pursuit of home and self improvement. What you fail to see at this point is that you are missing a vital board that will soon come into view.
I call it Failed Hopes and Dreams.
If you have ever struggled with scissors, time management, following instructions of any kind, patience, the ability to operate heavy machinery, basic math skills, questionable self esteem, or if you have children or care about the longevity of your marriage, I have terrible news. The pinteresty world might not be for you.
Mistake Three: Begin a project. If you have ever made it this far, my condolences. In your mind you had it all planned out. I mean, the DIY instructions are laid out step by step RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. How hard could it be to take down, as it turns out, a structural wall with a support beam in your basement? Or install cement counter tops throughout your home because the reality never occurred to you that you yourself actually have to buy, mix and set the cement and to not do so in such a way that using said counter is a constant reminder of your own inadequacy because you didn’t have a working level and now everything just rolls off.
Oh, and just because your husband fixed that thing that one time does NOT mean he is capable of ALL THE THINGS. Sadly, he is not. May this realization save you and your loved ones a lot of time, energy and money.
When we meet Pinterest the world is our oyster. Why not spend the next month collecting what turn out to be free yet flimsy and rotting pallets from questionable individuals on Craigslist? You can no longer park in your own garage because the neighbors complained about the obnoxious wood pile in your yard, but you aren’t worried because it won’t be for long, right? Right? Fast forward 6 months. Those boards are still warmly nestled away in your heated garage and you are late to work for the fourteenth time because you can’t get that 4 inches of ice off your windshield.
Things are going well. No one warned you that in starting these little adventures into how not to do something, there would be no one to sue when everything went south.
Things this site does lead to, you might wonder? Living in your parents basement, or your car, divorce, that empty hole of shame in your home that used to be a bathroom so now you are showering at the neighbors, an ugly cake from Cub Foods because your Eiffel Tower Cake looks more like the Leaning Tower of Shame and Regret. It kept making you weep tears of self loathing so you accidentally on purpose knocked it on the floor. This is all for starters.
The actual number of people who went on to successful DIY careers and Etsy Shops is approximately 7. So please friends, do yourselves a favor, DON’T. Just don’t. Learn to be happy and content with the disappointingly drab and outdated yet functional home that you already have. Or, wait for it, hire a professional. Otherwise, leave it alone. Your marriage, sanity and wallet will thank you later.
You are not Martha Stewart with that glue gun. Well, on second thought, I could probably pass for prison Martha, but not the Martha that sleeps only four hours a night because she just has "too many good ideas to get to work on."
Ladies (and gents), in honor of this depression inducing life suck please share this blog using #mypinterestfail and post a picture with brief description of ANY of your projects that were supposed to be one thing but turned out to be, well, NOT that thing. I find that reality is often better than the dream anyways. It reminds us that we are ALL fallible and not equally created when it comes to the world of Do It Yourself.
What DO we all have in common? An appreciation for the hysterical failings of others. It makes us feel less alone in this miserable world of lies. I'm looking at you again Instagram.
Give me your best stuff, people of the inter webs. I will be doing a follow up blog of the top ten pinterest fails chosen from your submissions. In this case, the bigger the blunder, the better. So let the failing commence.
I will start. The picture above shows our reclaimed wood kitchen ceiling. Confused? You should be. It’s been four months since the start of this pipe dream. There is still no ceiling. Just a massive hole of metal, wood beams, cobwebs, and wasted potential. Instead I just have this ever increasing realization that I did this to myself. Anyone lucky enough to see this blunder in person is instructed to just blur their eyes.