nickkallies
Excuse Me While I Explain What I Meant About ...

So I wrote a blog. I’ve been writing them for a year now. You know, with all my free time whilst I raise twin toddlers. I occasionally sit down between cooking meals, changing diapers, doing laundry, cleaning toilets, not sleeping, etc... and throw together some ramblings about my short comings. My mental illness, former addiction, parental failings, sin in my life, you name it. That’s what I do. I am an open book. I’m not actually whining, contrary to what some might think. I’m just not ashamed. I’m not afraid to be transparent. I just share who I am, faults and all. 

Two weeks ago I was tired and frustrated with all the continually and sometimes judgmental and contradictory rules of parenting and my own inability to keep up. So I finally chose to write about it. And most people got it. Most.

Mother of sanity...

Excuse Me While I Explain What I Meant About Toxic Death Cream
nickkallies
Excuse Me While I Lather My Child In This Toxic ...

It’s memorial weekend. We are up at the cabin with family. A time where we are supposed to be resting and relaxing. A time of thankfulness. A time of remembering those who have given their lives for our freedom.  

My husband has been working overtime and doing freelance work so we’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks. We even bought our twin two year olds their first fishing poles and planned a treasure hunt.  

And then there’s me.  

A massive ball of, “just take me to the sanitarium."...

Excuse Me While I Lather My Child In This Toxic Death Cream
nickkallies
Your Instagram Life Is A Lie

It's been a shitty couple weeks. There it is. I swore. I’ve been doing that more than usual lately. Out loud. So if that is happening in my daily life, why wouldn’t I share it here? But it bothers me so much it cripples my mind. Self flagellation immediately ensues. That I am worthless. I can't even control my stupid mouth. I never have been able to. I live in one constant moment of open mouth insert foot. It's better I not leave the house.

I love Jesus. I do my devotions. I go to church. And I still swear. But I feel worse about cursing then I do about over eating, or about talking negatively about something someone posted on facebook, or that white lie I told last week, or a family member I still haven't forgiven...

Your Instagram Life Is A Lie
nickkallies
God Is The Best Drinking Buddy I Have Ever Had

I used to spend a lot of time drinking alone in bars. On a daily basis. I told myself that only sad alcoholics drink alone at home. This somehow made my addiction feel slightly less pathetic. I would sometimes rotate locations on different days of the week so as not to arouse suspicion. I would spend hours pretending I was working hard on my computer because I was going to solve human trafficking. I was going to end world hunger. Me. News flash ... I wasn’t working...

God Is The Best Drinking Buddy I Have Ever Had
nickkallies
I Thought About Killing Myself Again Today

I thought about killing myself again today. Not the first time and likely not the last. Some people have Cancer. Some people have Aids. I have a mental illness. I cannot qualify it’s seriousness or pain. I just take my medication and pray that it does not take my life. Many of my friends don’t even know this about me. Surprise.

There are no parades. No colored ribbons. No t-shirts. No races to champion the cause. No soap boxes with celebrities on bullhorns. Just a stigma. Just the shame...

I Thought About Killing Myself Again Today

Your Instagram Life Is A Lie

Your Instagram Life Is A Lie

It's been a shitty couple weeks. There it is. I swore. I’ve been doing that more than usual lately. Out loud. So if that is happening in my daily life, why wouldn’t I share it here? But it bothers me so much it cripples my mind. Self flagellation immediately ensues. That I am worthless. I can't even control my stupid mouth. I never have been able to. I live in one constant moment of open mouth insert foot. It's better I not leave the house.

I love Jesus. I do my devotions. I go to church. And I still swear. But I feel worse about cursing then I do about over eating, or about talking negatively about something someone posted on facebook, or that white lie I told last week, or a family member I still haven't forgiven...

God Is The Best Drinking Buddy I Have Ever Had

God Is The Best Drinking Buddy I Have Ever Had

I used to spend a lot of time drinking alone in bars. On a daily basis. I told myself that only sad alcoholics drink alone at home. This somehow made my addiction feel slightly less pathetic. I would sometimes rotate locations on different days of the week so as not to arouse suspicion. I would spend hours pretending I was working hard on my computer because I was going to solve human trafficking. I was going to end world hunger. Me. News flash ... I wasn’t working...

I Am On Vacation And All I Can Think About Are Dying Refugees

I Am On Vacation And All I Can Think About Are Dying Refugees

Today I saw Aylan.

I didn’t mean too. There he was. In my news feed. His lifeless, three year old body. Laying, washed up on the Turkish shoreline. Still fully dressed. He looked like he was sleeping. As if he were one of my own precious boys.

I looked at the unbearable photos. Ones from his life. Ones from his death. Read his story. Between sobs. Between the snot and tears. I tried to get the complete picture. Of the others who have died. The countless others. These helpless refugees. Then I closed my computer. And wept...

If A Dolphin Can Beach Itself Then So Can I

If A Dolphin Can Beach Itself Then So Can I

I recently watched an incredibly inspiring video of a pod of dolphins beaching themselves and being rescued by onlookers. Dozens of bystanders rushing into the water in desperation to save the lives of these beautiful creatures that would otherwise have died. Complete strangers working in community. No conversation necessary. The goal was clear. Two things struck me: One, the dolphins came unexpected, out of nowhere. And two, no one needed a reason or an explanation from the dolphins even though they are largely considered to be the second most intelligent animal on the planet...

I Screwed Up. Again. Your Move God.

I Screwed Up. Again. Your Move God.

I've been trying to work up the nerve to post this. Transparency is not easy. Especially for the fragile. The insecure. But then I got an email from a reader that said, "Your honesty and vulnerability are an encouragement to just be real." And I'm reminded why I do this, let everyone see the junk in my life. Stuff we all spend so much time hiding, pretending isn't there. It's a forever uphill battle. This life thing. And I spend most of it falling down...